Dianny here! My column today has been preempted so that I can give you an exclusive look at the letter Barack Obama sent to Iran’s Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei:
Dear Supreme Leader,
Gosh, I don’t even know where to begin.
First. I can’t tell you what it means to me that you have given me permission to write to you directly. When Valerie said she wouldn’t be writing this month’s letter and I would instead, I couldn’t believe my luck!
Valerie gave me that picture you sent me! I keep it on my desk in the Oval Office, unless of course some nosy-Parker from Fox News happens to be here, then I have to hide it in my bottom drawer. I hope that doesn’t make you too mad.
I remember going on vacation with my Mom when I was a teenager, and we drove around America. And I thought to myself, “Wow. This really is the Great Satan just like Iran says.” Who would have foreseen that this young man of African descent who despised America would one day have the opportunity to work with the Supreme Leader of Iran?!
I know I didn’t!
I mean, I knew I was going to do great things because that’s what Mom and Frank were always telling me. But I never thought it would be this!
What a charge!!
Valerie tells me you would consider working with me and that means so much. Thanks, by the way, for your encouragement in my choosing Valerie as my closest advisor and confidante. She’s been great! Actually, if you want to know the truth, she does most of the heavy lifting — just like you requested!
So, after six years, I’ve worked really hard staying out of Valerie’s way so that she could implement the policies that would help you weaken the US.
When Valerie told me that my favorite titanium clubs were a gift from you, I was blown away. Valerie said you wanted to make sure I had only the best. I have to tell you, I love them!
Anyways. The reason I’m writing is because I’m getting a lot of pressure here at home about those ISIL guys. And I know that you don’t like them which is why Valerie gave me permission to use our military for air strikes in the first place.
But, honestly? I think I might need your help in fighting ISIL.
Now, I’m not complaining or anything, but you and Valerie were so insistent that I cripple US military strength, and now I’m afraid I did such a great job at it, we might not be able to fight ISIL on our own.
Is there any way you guys in Iran could give us a hand?
I wouldn’t ask, but, given how cooperative we’ve been, and, given the fact that we’re planning on looking the other way on the whole nuclear thing, I was really hoping you’d consider it.
Now, I’m not saying you owe me or anything. Please don’t think I’d be that disrespectful of the Supreme Leader.
But you did say after I agreed to your choice of John Kerry as Secretary of State that you owed me one.
So, would it be possible? I’m not asking you for boots on the ground. But maybe, I don’t know, do you still have any chemical weapons laying around?
Valerie mentioned that you might be willing to help if I were to, say, sweeten the deal a little.
So, you name it. Can I help you with the whole Israel problem? Or, maybe I can tell you the best places for your funded terrorists to cross over from Mexico into the US without being detected?
Or, maybe you’d like an iPod loaded with my speeches?
Whatever you want, you just name it!
You can call me on my cell phone if you want. Mine is the only number not being monitored by the NSA. And you know I won’t tell anyone!
I would really appreciate anything you can do to give us a hand.
Your devoted friend,
PS: Reverend Wright says hi and g-d-damn America!!!
Diann Russell is the author of RANT 2.0: Even More Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama, Liberals Gone WILD!!! The Not-So-Silent Conquering of America, RANT: Politics & Snark in the Age of Obama, and two novels: Sliding Home Feet First and Under the Cloud
Diann is the owner of DiannyTees.com — a Conservative & Christian T-shirt Store, and is a social media content contributor for #RedNationRising.
She is a political dissident residing in The People’s Republic of New York.
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